I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
