A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
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