This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Randomize
