I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Randomize
