Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
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