Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
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