its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Randomize
