I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Randomize
