I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
