Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
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