I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
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