i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
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