I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
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