How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Randomize