why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
