Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
