1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
