bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
4 words: hood of his car
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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