Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Randomize
