He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
