I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Randomize
