he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
