Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
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