How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Randomize
