Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
