I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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