Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
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