I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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