Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
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