There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
