did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
