i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
