If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
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