my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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