I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Randomize
