3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
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