Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Randomize
