So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
