you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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