He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
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