Already got asked if we're dating
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
