I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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