And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
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