the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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