Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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