I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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