he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Randomize
