saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Randomize
