i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
