This dress was meant to end up on your floor
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
