8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
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