I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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