and my herpes radar will keep us safe
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
