There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
