You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
foreskin is a definite game changer
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
