Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Randomize
