I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
