I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Randomize
