someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
