my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Randomize
