he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
