Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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