he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
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